Beards of Gaming: Zangief

Welcome back to Beards of Gaming. Another of the hundreds of articles that take a look at those who have chosen the hairier side of life and grown one o’ those Canadian scarfs. You don’t have to enjoy beards to appreciate this but boy does it help.

As before, I’ve picked a bearded character from the gaming world and I plan to give them a comprehensive beard analysis and rating with some advice for how you, too, could beard like them. Each beard will be judged on appearance; volume, gloss, style, and personality. Creativity and originality are also big factors in the judgement process and will be commented on when appropriate.

Hold up, though. Did you know that the word “beard” also means to challenge or confront someone formidable? Well that’s just what I’m going to do, because today’s pick is…

Zangief (Street Fighter)

Zangief (Street Fighter)

I really can’t imagine a more formidable character to beard up against. Zangief could easily be considered the pinnacle of the human form, if what you’re looking for is nothing but muscles and beard. He’s over 7 feet tall and weighs something like 400 lbs, he’s Russian and he supposedly fights bears for practice. Bears! I can’t for the life of me imagine how fighting a bear helps someone prepare for a martial arts tournament but it’s bloody intimidating either way. Zangief is what would happen if you took Ivan Drago from Rocky IV and gave him the super soldier formula that created Captain America.

And that’s before we even get to the beard.

This dude has his hair under control. I’ve never seen an incarnation of Zangief where his hair wasn’t, what are the kids calling it now? On fleek? It doesn’t matter, all you need to know is that hair only grows on Zangief where Zangief lets the hair grow.

Combining his mohawk, his chest hair, his excess of shin hair and his beard creates such a fiercely unique look I’m fairly sure I could recognise it in the dark. It’s a bold way to go for a man who spends 90% of his time in red boxers and I’m fully on board.

What rating does it get?

Zangief’s beard represents a level of Soviet perfection his home country hasn’t seen in years. On lesser men, the harsh angles of his beard and chest hair might seem abrasive but on Zangief they serve to enhance the meat platter that is the rest of his body. Seriously, shin hair. It pokes through his boots! 10/10

How do I get a beard like this?

Zangief’s look requires all of his hair, and I mean all of his hair to be straight and trimmed to angular perfection. My advice for my unkempt brethren would be one of those small travel straighteners. It may take hours, perhaps even days of your life, but you can’t let a single one of those short curlers remain. To really complete the look, wrestling bears might be the only way to go. If you don’t have any bears in your local area, large house cats will have to do.

See you next week for Beards of Gaming.